The Queen’s Room

If you’re curious to where i’ve been….i’ve been at my other blog. I think I will keep this one to just vent. So in all likely hood…this blog is gonna be somewhat negative. LOL.  Go to www.challengeme.typepad.com to see my other side. Maybe one day I will be able to merge the two. But for some odd reason……I don’t feel I can right now

I found this quote on a discussion board….my oh my how true it is:

“The delusional state that is the “fog” has me thinking that humans are all just solitary predators, and the only reason they ever relate to one another is out of opportunism. Those of us who are stupid enough to feel feelings are just prey.”

 

Negative enough for ya?LOL. I’ve gone thru my entire life with trust issues. Because of things that happened to me as a child, I learned to only trust myself. Sure….I let people “in”. Friends. But in the end….they all ended up betraying me. Just when I think I can trust again…I usually end up hurt. I usually end up betrayed. Have I given up on trust? I don’t know honestly. I know we’re all human….and i  know i’ve wronged many people. I”m sure some people have felt the same about me…..I hope that’s not the case.  It is just so tiring building on a relationship (any type) and then having the bottom fall out.  Sometimes I feel there is no one in my life who I feel totally confidant in giving my trust to.  Do I continue to live this way? Do I continue to distrust everyone I meet? Do I continue to hold grudges, to remember past hurts?  Let me tell ya…..the whole thing is tiring.  The only person I ever truly trusted with my heart was my husband…and well, ya see where that got me. I trust him a lot more today than I did a year ago….but can I honestly say that I trust him with my heart? Hell no. Don’t get me wrong. If he cheated on me again, of course it would break my heart all over again…..but I wouldn’t be shocked.  I know for a fact I wouldn’t feel the same level of pain. Mainly because I’ve already told myself that he will deserve any vengeance I bestow upon him. And that warms my heart a little (heh..kidding…not really).

Anyways….i’m rambling cause it’s after midnight and i can’t sleep. Gonna surf the net.

So I haven’t been over here to wordpress lately. I’ve blogged alot on my crafty blog (see side bar for the link). Been pretty busy the past couple of weeks, craft wise anyways.  I’m taking on a brand new love. Fabric! Can I sew? Not yet. Do I own a sewing machine. Sure do. Do I know how to use it? Sure don’t. But I am determined to learn! I cut out a pattern last night…and now i’m just staring at it, while it’s staring at me from the kitchen table. I am frozen.

Anyways…..DD1 has a birthday coming up next month…and she wants to take 3 friends to six flags. So, I reserved our hotel rooms. Wish us good luck. 4 teenage girls. It’s gonna be wild!

Hubs asked me this past week if I wanted to take a long weekend trip to the beach this fall. Um hello….when do I not want to go to the beach? Heck, I’d go right now! lol. So The last weekend of Sept…that’s where we’ll be. I got a great deal on a condo right on the beach.

Good news on the housetraining of Sadie front: She found a spot that she likes to use the bathroom on….unfortunately…it’s right in the middle of the living room! But as long as we leave a pee pee pad there….she goes! Yay!  I think I will slowly move the pad toward the corner. Maybe an inch a day.

Harley has now become an official inside doggie. She’s our 11 year old german shepherd. She’s old, arthritic…and she decided the outdoors is not for her. She’s always been outside mainly because she likes the outside. She’s a total bitch, so she always liked to walk around the fence in the back yard and bark at the other dogs. She definately has that kinda attitude. But I have to be realistic and know she won’t be with us too much longer. I’m enjoying her inside. She doesn’t do anything really…..she gets a little feisty maybe once a day…and nudges Sadie with her nose…but that’s about it.

Well, i’m off to surf some blogs. The house is quiet….everyone is asleep, and I”m sippin’ on some great coffee in my favorite mug…while Sadie is laying on my foot. Life is good.

Sometimes I look back upon the past year and think “Thank GOD it is behind me”. I don’t wish it hadn’t happened…I am always glad that chapter of my life is over. Weird thing….I think I needed it to happen. I hated it. I hated the destruction, but the construction has been worth it. I still sometimes can’t believe it happened…and can’t believe I survived (physically and mentally).  I’m still dealing with things now. But with the help of my mental team, I am on the full road to self recovery. 

I couldn’t figure out why I kept having these thoughts today. Just thinking about things. Like, how it seems when you’re on a good path in your life, a giant roadblock happens. In my case, a hit and run, leaving me on life support. Then tonight, while i’m tossing and turning in bed….trying to figure out why the heck I can’t sleep..I decided to chanel surf. Joel Ostee. I love Joel. He was talking about the same thing I was thinking about today. How when things are going good, your enemies come after you. After that, I tried to go back to sleep….still couldn’t put my finger on why I couldn’t sleep. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. The date. July 13th. The day I mentally checked out.  The day my husband decided to go back to the whore.  ( I didn’t find out about him going back to her, until the day after I was released from the hospital). That day was probably as hard, if not harder than when I originally found out. The first time…was mainly shock.  The second time was pure grief. It set us back to square one.  I pray no one ever has to go thru that hell. I never would have imagined feeling that way. I would rather have a bullet put between my eyes than to suffer for one second at the hands of infidelity. No one truly understands the pain until they’ve been there.  Wether you chose to forgive, or give him(or her) the ole fuck off….the pain is just amazing. 

I needed to write about this tonight. I’m sure I will be able to fall asleep much easier now. Good Nite’

june 30, photo a day

Originally uploaded by queensonia2001

Ahhh, i’m finally back! My modem has been down since Wednesday or Thursday. I finally give comcast a compliment, and the very next day my modem goes down. Hmmm. Anyways…I did it! I made it thru the photo a day challenge for June! Yay! Proud of myself. I enjoyed it, cause it made me keep my camera close by for quite a while. Off to surf the net.

june 26 photo a day

Originally uploaded by queensonia2001

I’m playing catch up on my ph otos a day! I love this one. Took it yesterday evening. This bird was singing away on my roof….and I wasn’t sure how close i could zoom in. But it came out well.

The family is going camping. We leave after I get off work. I’m sure i’lll have lots of pics. It’s supposed to storm. So this might be interesting. heh!